Back by singular demand

So someone has been pestering me to update my blog more often.

I have been working a horrible amount of hours. A few weeks ago I called in sick (first time ever for this job) missed an entire 8 hour day and still worked 44 hours that week. Yeah this has been the story of my life for the last few months. I dont know when the last time I worked less than 4 hours of overtime a week but they have been very few and far between.

I am planning on going to the NYPD. Fate saw to it that it wont be in time for January academy. I got not one, not two, but three flat tires in 2 weeks. Granted one of them was the same one, it had gone flat and I had used fix a flat but it didnt work, but the other was as I turned into the Walmart parking lot I hit a piece of metal in the intercetion and popped one of my front tires. So about 2 hundred dollars later I have new tires :(

But 2 people that live in NYC that I had been trying to get ahold of contacted me right after the time I would have gone down there had I been able. I guess things happen for a reason anyway. So if things go miraculously I will be able to go in January, if not I will be going in July to NYC. July might possibly be better because it will give me more time to work out and get healthier before going. I have been cutting down on my soda intake, havent cut it out but I dont drink more than 2liters a day like I used to. I am down to drinking about 1 liter a day and am constantly working on drinking water with crystal light in it (tastes awesome).

Politics

Warning--- These are just my opinions don’t take offense

Political views are like foods. Everyone has a favorite and most people don’t know why it is
their favorite.

So at work I get bored and end up reading the paper everyday. Imagine my surprise when I learned McCain had picked Sarah Pilan to be his running mate. I know she was in the running but I always thought he would pick Tim Pawlenty. I don’t know why I was shocked; I knew Hillary wasn’t going to be on Obama’s Ticket and it is a good move for McCain to have something for the majority of voters (being female puts you in the majority). I later learned that she is very pro-life, this is a very touchy subject for a lot of people, especially women.

I personally didn’t really have a preference for either party. I am registered as an Independent and don’t really believe either party is in it to help the people. I mean a 5week summer vacation when the country is fighting the worst energy cost crisis in decades… that’s dedication right there. Both candidates have a lot going for them, obviously or they wouldn’t be the nominees. Obama has the charm and charisma but lacks the experience. McCain has experience but let’s face it a box of cereal could be more interesting. That being said, Obama took himself out of the running in my book. I was appalled to hear that he had gone on a tour all across the world visiting foreign countries and playing the diplomat, only to blow off veterans at a hospital in Germany and ended up playing basketball all morning. In the many interviews he stated that he didn’t want his visit of the troops to seem like a political stunt. The whole reason for the trip was political, and was paid for by his campaign fund. I don’t understand what he was thinking. Their views are basic cookie cutters of their parties, and even then there are only small differences so that was the deciding factor for me. To me it showed a huge lack of respect for the soldiers at the hospital. Similar to when Hillary was scheduled to do a small appearance at the town where I grew up. There was a crowd of people there to meet her and because she stayed at the previous location too long she drove right through the town didn’t even stop. Makes it hard to believe they care about us little people.

Wall of text...complete.
Thoughts…incomplete.

This present darkness

There comes in a time in our lives when we are at the precipice of all we have ever known or been told is true. Behind us is the past and all the comforts and pain that it might hold. Ahead of us our path, our future is uncertain, it is dark and there is no way to know what it might hold. When the time comes to step off the precipice of all you know and into the dark, dark uncertainty that is your future we hope that either there will be something solid and supporting there for our feet to walk upon, or that we will be taught how to fly. It is hard to look upon that huge dark scar in your path and not feel any amount of fear at what the unknown holds. It is inevitable you will cross that line. You chose if it by your own will or if you are forced to do so by time. Will you stride confidently towards the looming darkness? Probably not, although you may do so with a few quick glances behind you.

Adorable

So darn cute.

Raining down on me

I miss the rain, or more specifically I miss storms. There is just something about storms that make me feel alive and powerful. I currently feel an intense need to just stand out in the rain and let its cold rivulets run down my body. I have been working like crazy, and now the new schedule has me working 1st 2nd and 3rd shift all in one week. As you can imagine this I am vehemently opposed to. I spoke with my new supervisor (which I feel is completely incompetant) and was told that he made the new schedule so he could have the weekends off, no lie, and it was to help get me off of a quick turn around. When I told him I was against it he said in a few weeks after some event he has going on some weekend we will switch back to the old schedule. I dont know how many people know my old schedule but it was also horrid. I worked 2nd shift mon, 3rd shift tues, wed, and then 2nd on thurs, fri. This was a bad setup because between 3rd on wed and 2nd on tues was only a 8 hour gap. It takes me between 35-45 minutes to drive each way every day. Now I suppossedly have thursday and friday off, but work until 7am on thursday. So no I am not ignoring you if I dont reply to a text or an IM, I am just totally fricken burning out.

I just need to feel a storm.

Society

Our society today is going insane. A woman from Oklahoma sued Winnebago for not putting in their owners manual that she couldn't leave the drivers seat while cruise control was on. After getting on the freeway, she turned on cruise control at 70 MPH and proceeded to get up to make a sandwich. Surprisingly the motor home didn't make a turn and the vehicle jumped a curb and rolled down a bank. The vehicle was totalled. The woman sues Winnebago and wins. Might want to sit down for this, $1,750,000 plus a new Winnebago. Things like this make me wonder how humans are going to make it through the next decade let alone till some type of apocalypse. Maybe this is a big conspiracy to provide some anti-Darwinism theory with a reliable argument.


I just can't stop

addicted to music

While reading the newspaper today at work. (yes work is hard, even after discovering I can use the Internet.) I read that there are some people that listen to music called binaural beats. These sounds they call "idozers" are only effective through headphones. They emulate a different sound and frequency out of each speaker that your brain then combines into a single beat. They allegedly synchronize your brain to a specified wavelength. They can emmulate in you certain modes or have effects similar to tripping on acid or doing other illegal drugs. Scientists are arguing over if this is a viable claim or not. If so it would be very helpful for people with depression, addiction, anxiety or other mental issues. This could also be a way for poor people to try cocaine.
I personally dont see why it cant be effective. There is soo much we dont know about the human body, and even more about our minds and psyche. I know that music has always had an effect on me. What you listen to determines your mood, or vice versa almost constantly.

Side note: Bastet caught a bat flying around in my room the other night. Don't know how it got there because none of the windows were open. I did a little research and they can crawl through the darndest cracks. An average brown bat can squeeze through a hole no bigger than a dime, or a crack 3/8 of an inch wide. It scared the hell out of me because Bastet was jumping all over like crazy and when i turned to look at him the bat was flying at my face. After I was able to turn on the light I saw Bastet standing over it on the floor. I am soo glad I wasnt sleeping. I scooped him up in a dustpan and took him outside but he wasnt easy to catch or to hold on the pan without him trying to crawl onto my hand....eww.

Over a month

Well one month has gone by since my last post. Not much has changed. Every step forward is followed by two steps backwards. I am dissatisfied with my current state and every attempt to change such state is met with great resistance. My supervisor at my current job broke his leg. So now on top of picking up his hours between two other people, I also get to make schedules and do all the office paperwork that he used to do and my other coworker is unable to comprehend.
I don't understand. I am a smart person, I love to do hard work, and yet I am working a barely over minimum wage job. I guess I always figured good things happen to good people, but I seem to be disappointingly proven wrong at every aspect. Good news is that working 60 hours a week will actually allow me to work with a budget that is somewhat closer to actually living.
If you have never tried to live on a budget let me tell you it is one of the hardest things. It is easy to stay under budget when you only have that much money... because you cant over spend. The hard part is determining what are the priorities and where the small amount of funds you have should go.

If you havent heard of it you should check it out. Dr. Horrible's sing along blog. I know what you are thinking... "not a chance" but it is really funny and has some pretty famous people in it. I laughed in great quantity.

A collage

You find the most awesome sites Jo.

My new self

Figured out a way to link my blog to facebook so it should increase my audience a bit.

So I am going gray. It was just a few hairs at first, no one else noticed because they don't look at me up close. Now I have a small patch at my right temple that is rather obvious. It is a month before my 25th birthday and I feel that before I hit 30 I will close to completely gray. It runs in my family and I was expecting it so it doesn't really bother me. Who knows maybe it will make me look more distinguished.

Relationship-wise I have no idea what I'm doing. I met a girl at the club and was interested and she told me she would call me but didn't. I have started talking with a girl that is totally awesome and cute, but she lives like 5 hours away, and I don't think anything will happen with that. I have great friends that I hardly ever talk to. Like I said last post I feel like a zombie.

Work-wise I have been slacking, I have been working with my security and neglecting everything else. I shamble to work and come home 8 hours later totally exhausted no matter how long I had off or slept that day before work. I should have stuck with Primerica right from the get go. I haven't done an appointment in about a month and a half at least. It is hard to be around positive people when all you want to do is crawl in a hole. I need to get back to my old positive self. I will.

It is time for me to redefine the me I will be and winnow the wheat from the chaff as it were. I need to be a new person because I am not happy with the me I am. It is time I do everything I do with everything I got!

-Jim

Wow, forever

So I was told that I cannot read blogs unless I update my own. Then I realized it had been over a month. So unsure where to start I will start now and work backwards.

I feel so much like a zombie. I have things to look forward to but my work schedule leaves much to be desired. I often work 8 hours then have 8 hours off only to be back to work later the same day.
I am getting back into Primerica, for a long time I was having trouble maintaining a positive outlook. It is still hard at times, memories come unbidden that used to bring a smile to my face. I spent the last weekend in Rhode Island going to a friend's wedding. It was a beautiful ceremony and we had a ton of fun. Went sailing and spent a few too many hours in the sun. I asked myself a few times why there was a free open bar and I had to drive. Me and my room mate both have the sunburns to prove we had a good time.

Am I good enough? I think the question should be is just good enough, good enough? Am I good enough to be a security officer... yes, therefore I know that isn't what I want to be. I once said, do everything you do with everything you got. We all want things that are challenging without being impossible. Am I good enough to be a doctor? absolutely not... I may have the dexterity and the patients ;) but I don't have the knowledge. It is in human nature to never reach that good enough stage in parts of our life. Bill Gates wont turn to his accountant one day and say $70 billion is good enough just stop giving me money kthxbai. The trick isn't to always get what you want, but to want what you get... I digress.

I am slowly getting a new plan or picture for my future. I am moving out come the end of the month from an apartment to a house. It needs a little work but it will be good to get out into the country again. It is only like 5 miles from the highway, but there are trails in the woods and such. I am thankful I found Primerica when I did. I doubt now I would be have been able to start something so new and complex at this point in my life. I am an optimist just sometimes it is soo damn had to find the positive in things.

I will try to post more often seeing as how I read your guys posts almost everyday .

-just jim

Stairway

Yes there are two paths you can go by
but in the long run
There's still time to change the road you're on

Your head is humming and it won't go in case you don't know
The piper's calling you to join him
Dear lady can't you hear the wind blow and did you know
Your stairway lies on the whispering wind

And as we wind on down the road
Our shadows taller than our soul
There walks a lady we all know
Who shines white light and wants to show
How everything still turns to gold
And if you listen very hard
The tune will come to you at last
When all are one and one is all
To be a rock and not to roll
Woe oh oh oh oh oh
And she's buying a stairway to heaven

a video on life.

A depressing look at life... sounding very familiar

Oh Friends

It is soo good to have friends. Real friends, people you can go to no matter what mistakes you have made or trials life has handed you. They are like ropes to help lift yourself up and put yourself back on your feet. This is especially so when one of the ropes you have been grasping for so long turns out to be smoke.

I fell so hard and blamed myself all along. They were not all my problems that caused us to fail. People don't really change without alot of work and self disciple. You proved that to me what 3,4,5 who knows how many times. So ask yourself when you do to him (who ever he maybe) what you did to me how will he take it? Is it really worth it?

I would like to one day in the future be your friend. I am not your boyfriend and I dont have to put up with your shit anymore, and I wont. All I asked for was an apology for some harsh uncalled for words and you refuse even that. I feel so very sorry for you.

Once again

Rascal Flats has an amazing way of writing songs that are just the way I am feeling. I am sure they do these songs just for me :P

I hope that days come easy and moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

More then anything, more then anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it,
To your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more then you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more then you take.

Oh More then anything, Yeah, and more then anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it,
To your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more then you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

Touching

It is so shocking how someone can be so overwhelmed and emotional about someone they were never even in a relationship with. Never screamed at me over the phone, in fact we only argued a few times in the 8 years we were together and always respectfully. I read about the three parts of a relationship passion, intimacy, and commitment. Never talking about commitment but focusing on passion and intimacy. These two without commitment mean nothing. Anyone can be intimate and passionate with someone but without the commitment and the connection it really isn't worth any more than the sweat as it rolls off your bodies. When there is a true connection the commitment and passion should come first, followed by the intimacy. I know I am not an expert not even close, I am worse at relationships than anyone else. I believe what I believe and I have already made a commitment, and I think I have doomed myself to a very long and lonely life.

I am a rock... crumbling because I cannot move.

Chemistry

Listening to the radio John Tesh tells us that when you are first meeting someone you might like your body release chemicals dopamine and epinephrine.

These chemicals make you feel things. Dopamine will help you feel relaxed and happy. Make you feel feelings of nostalgia like you have known that person for a long time. Epinephrine can make you feel figgity or warm inside, flustered. Considering that you can get addicted to epinephrine from running I am assuming people can get addicted to these chemicals. People who are don't know why but they will want to go out and meet new people but grow quickly bored with them as their body stops releasing these hormones in defense. People probably associate these feelings with words like passion or chemistry, love at first sight. John Tesh also states that we look for features in our potential partners that remind of ways our parents made us feel. So it isn't that bad of a complaint if someone says you are like their parents. Unless there is something drastically wrong with their parents.

Lemonade

They say when Life hands you lemons to make lemonade. Well I have enough lemons to make the lemonade to flood the entire southern hemisphere.

the future

The future only holds in the palm of its hand that which you have put there. It doesn't pick up things on its on. You put in patience and are rewarded with success. Time and you are rewarded eternity. Love and you are returned love. A love so vast and encompassing and absolute that not even the darkest shadows of fear and doubt can dim the light within. Who is to say when the future will be or what it will hold for you better than yourself? So fill it to overflowing while you can.
~me 11-26-01

I was so naive and blind. Hope your future is all you wanted it to be. You sure have your hands full.

From men's health

Men's Health online.
"Dorm room confidential"

"Pregaming is where you go out first, get loosened up, and then have some fun somewhere else," says Shana, a gorgeous 21-year-old. "You don't even worry about who you're going to hook up with until later." The crew at UF also partied in a pattern: We started at someone's house, went club hopping, and then headed back home, where couples started peeling off. This pattern taps into a powerful form of psychological reinforcement and seduction, says Arthur Aron, Ph.D., a psychology professor at Stony Brook University, in New York.

"It's called misattribution of arousal," Aron says. "You attribute your current state of anxiety or arousal to the person you're with, instead of to the situation itself." In other words, as sensation-seeking students move from one location to another, they expose themselves to new environments, new people, new music, and new games (Guitar Hero and Wii Sports video games have usurped beer pong as of late), all of which keeps their minds and bodies in a state of arousal. Suddenly, the guy or girl who might have seemed only cute 4 hours ago has become smoking hot.

When this happened in college, you probably thought you had a case of beer goggles. But in reality, you simply had a flood of dopamine swishing around your midbrain. "Any kind of general arousal increases activity in the dopamine tract," says Elaine Hull, Ph.D., a professor of neuroscience at Florida State University. "This tract drives all motivated behavior. So if you're excited and in the presence of food, you'll want to eat. And if a prospective partner is present, it can motivate sexual behavior."

My cross

I hope you find someone that makes you very happy. I hope you find something real and full filling with someone that blows you away and sweeps you off your feet. When you do I will be jealous as hell and you know that. This is my cross to bear. A heavy one at that. I know I don't deserve to be treated this way but I cant change the past. I can forgive but I cant forget. I will look back sadly on but I will never regret the times we shared.

The book of life

I once thought I was going to be a part of your book of life. A main character at first. The sidekick to your protagonist. Maybe something of the comic relief or witty comment maker. Then when that fell apart I thought maybe a side note with a reference to a earlier time, a minor character that shows up every once and awhile. The story started out simple. Boy meets girl, they fall in love, live happily ever after. Right from the start there are complications as is true in any good story. The stories you remember and look back on for years to come. The complications weren't the problem. The problems began as the characters developed and changed. After this I realize that I wont be anything more than a chapter in your book of life. Albeit a long one it will still be lost in the many many chapters you are making for yourself. I hope your book is filled with adventure and daring, I know it has romance and intrigue. I hope you find your treasure and one day live happily ever after. I know my book of life will have very few chapters and I feel like the best has already been written, but there are always books that no one feels like reading.

Mika

I could be brown, I could be blue
I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful, I could be purple
I could be anything you like

Gotta be green, gotta be mean
Gotta be everything more
Why dont you like me?
Why dont you like me?
Walk out the door

Your best

I read somewhere. If someone cannot handle you at your worst, they do not deserve you at your best. It is so true. Someone who can laugh with you and sticks with you when you are down in the dumps, who lets you make your own mistakes when you need to. Someone who doesn't asks why just helps you hide the bodies. These are the people you should surround yourself with. These are the people that will be the greatest bonds in your life. The people you call when crap hits the fan. The people that if you are in trouble are probably sitting right next to you wondering who else you can call. I know I will always be there for you but you don't have to take my word for it. I am sure my actions speak much louder than my words. I know I have and most likely will again piss you off to no end, but you will always have me to talk to no matter what.
-jim

p.s. I know a perfect spot for the bodies.

Personality

Straight out of eHarmony. They have a analyzer that gives you a profile based on like 100 something questions. I am always a listener and a helper. Unfortunately some people believe this is only an ulterior motive and that I am always in it for something more. It makes me sad.

"Here's one important truth about you: you have a tender heart. Yes, you know that others need to learn to take care of themselves. Yes, you know they need to accept the consequences of their foolish or bad behavior. And sometimes, even when your instinct is to help them, you will let them fend for themselves and let them suffer the consequences of their choices or circumstances.

But most of the time you are there to help when they need you. If they are in trouble, you offer compassion and go out of your way to be helpful. If they need someone who will listen, you are trustworthy and sympathetic. And you are direct with them; when they need advice or counsel, you offer it in a straightforward, direct manner, without beating around the bush."

why buy the cow

Single life is damn fun.

You’re a swinging bachelorette, your nights are nothing but body shots and hoping that “put your number in my phone” leads to “put your thingy in my hoohoo.” But most importantly, it’s a time to know yourself, your true wants and needs. Immediate fulfillment of desire is the name of the game, and because there’s no true investment in any particular individual, you’re free to explore the next hot piece that walks in the door.

Inevitably, however, restlessness will set in. There are only so many dark. loud places serving alcohol and only so many prospects who enjoy “going out, having fun, being with friends, or just hanging around”. Somewhere in between the morning walks of triumph/shame and evenings of lonely discontent, the whole scene becomes a cyclic deja vu starring a predictable roll of typecast players.

And at these times, you’ll be a lucky stiff to find that one of your flames has some lasting firepower. There’s a little something more there, and as sexy as the relationship began, the real attraction lies within underlying compatibility.

Now it’s prudent to unmount your head from its swivel and focus on a longer-term plan.

Why would anyone start a relationship with someone if they are able to get all the benefits of one without the commitment. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.

Stupidity

So I have to be blatantly reminded why people as a collective are so stupid, myself included. I am in love with someone, who doesn't love me, but loves someone who doesn't love her. All of everything I have ever been wasn't good enough. Not that I am not blaming you. I would have dropped my lazy loser ass in a heartbeat too. I feel nothing but love and pity for you.
Love for only God knows why, I certainly don't.
Pity, because after all we had and built up you leave me for materialistic and physical things. The physical is the most sad because it is only temporary his hot body wont be so hot when you are both 60, and that the sex has been sub-par from your own admissions. The material is sad as well, I told you once that you had to find a "why" to make it, something to drive you. I only told you half of my why. I want to support my family and make for them a better lifestyle and growing environment than I had, but I also want to be successful and rich so I can rub it in your face. :( and I feel bad, because that is the single most selfish thought I have ever had and it makes me feel kinda evil to even think it.

I don't expect you to understand. I don't even expect you to read this. I know you better than most, as you know me. I have a lot to thank you for and I don't mean to attack you. If it wasn't for you I would not be anywhere near the person I am today. You built me a confidence that would hold back armies, and woke me up and kicked me in the ass when I was a loser and at the lowest point in my life. I have a lot of work to do and am off to a very late start but I know where I am going, and I take responsibility for being where I am so far behind. It isn't your fault I am where I am. I am exactly where I deserve to be.
Once again, and probably not the last time.
Thank you Karyn.

~Jim

Life

"Your life is the sum total of your choices. Wherever you are is exactly where you deserve to be." ~Shane Perry

In life there are only 2 things you can control. Your attitude and your activity. Everything else is outside of your influence.

Prickly

This needs to be your heart to make it in this world. :) another example of mother nature showing us the way.

Reinvention

I realize that only like 4 people ever look at this blog, and I make some very long posts that I am sure they dont read all the way. :) If I can impact or change just one of your lives for the better by what I write then it is all worth it.

At a convention one of the speakers talked about reinventing yourself and getting past all the negative crap in the world to reach your dreams. Jim Kocher, Senior National Sales Director, said it is all about release.
Release yourself from your fears. Fear that you arent good enough; dont know enough; of failure; of commitment; of people; of people depending on you; speaking. All of these things are small flashing in the back of your mind that can end your pursuit of your dreams.

Release your past. Everything bad in your past like bad relationships; failures either business or academic; bitterness or anger and malice towards people; and most of all your successes could be holding you back from truly trying. I know myself I was in that boat. I felt like I was on top of the world and had everything going for me and I stopped trying to better myself. I became content and stagnant. Drop your past and start over be a new better person.

Release your guilt. Feelings of guilt over missed oppurtunity; failures; letting people down; bad decisions; of false guilt laid on you by your friends or family. No person has the right to judge your priorities. You have done what you have and it has made you the person you are today. Either people can accept that or they can find someone else to bombard with negativity.

Release your limiting beliefs. Thinking that you cant succeed because of language barriers; you have been here to long to move on; you arent a good speaker; you havent been here long enough to learn everything; might give bad advice; or that money corrupts and to set a goal on having money is the root of all evil.

Release the brakes. What is your best? Discover your best and see how great you can be.
Think of yourself less and not less of yourself. Good, better, best. Never let it rest, untill your good is better, and your better is best.

If you pull out all the negative things holding you back from reaching your dreams there is no limit to how high your dreams can be. Without a doubt you will reach them and exceed them beyond anything you could wish for.

-Jim

Pumped

You know you really love what you do when you get so excited from sitting in a two hour class about mortgages. I know right. So I spent the weekend in New Jersey at a conference for Primerica. There were around 2000 positive and motivated people there. It was intense and I only slept like 4 hours. You know you are in a great group of people when everyone in the room is standing and shouting and using air horns when they call the people who get promoted. Even if it is only one person, or when the man giving the speech starts to cry while talking about how his income went from 140k to 400k this year. It isn't easy but its great.

So I got promoted I am now a Senior Rep. and am more than ever pumped and positive about starting my team and building a business.


See you at the top
Jim

Favorite

My most favorite picture ever

4 Keys to personal growth

So I said I would write something on personal growth a little while ago and am just now finishing it up.

First off your personal income will hardly ever surpass your personal growth. So to become wealthy you must also become a more developed person inside.

There are four keys to personal growth. Stepping stones to success if you will.

The first key is increasing your awareness. What was confusing is now clear. We have them on some days, the moments of crystal clear thought where something we had been thinking about for awhile becomes almost glaringly obvious. The first step in changing your reality to match your goals and dreams is to know your reality. First off you need to acknowledge that no one owes you anything, there are no freebies in life. Nothing ever worth having comes for free. Secondly there is no one else to blame for how your life is today. An easy motto for this is “admit it you did it” The greatest thing about this is no matter where you are you got yourself there, you can get yourself out. The easiest way to become aware is to ask questions all the time. Don't sit on the sidelines of a conversation and nod your head ask what things mean if you don't understand. And lastly get advice. Problems are usually 80% your cause and 20% a test of your conviction.

The second key is increasing your tolerance. Problems that were big are now small. You have build a tolerance to distractions. Be aware of yourself, know yourself, and protect yourself from yourself. If you know you have a weakness for something in particular be it chocolate or video games, remove these distractions to protect yourself from yourself. It doesn't have to be a permanent removal but just enough so you can do what you need to do. You have to build a tolerance to emotional pain. Things in life aren't always rainbows and and singing flowers. Bad things are going to happen you need to compartmentalize your problems so that your emotional problems do not effect your other problems. The prioritize and solve your problems individually and in the proper order. Don't procrastinate, this is probably the most important part of this key. Don't wait till tomorrow to do what you should be doing today. I myself am guilty of this on a huge scale, but I am working to knock it out of my life. Think of a number from one to ten that represents your frazzle factor. How much stress you can be under before you become cranky or snappish. Mine is a 6 most people are a 4-5. You need to make that number greater. Know the point at which you lose patience and stop being kind. And then grow so that that point is no longer your threshold.

The third key is to develop your abilities. What was hard is now easy. The shorter the time frame that things become easy the faster your rate of growth. There are many abilities and many ways to make yourself better at them but it always requires time. Therefore one of the first abilities you should work on is time management. Most normal people divide up their time into 3 categories. Work, sleep, leisure, this is fine if you want to be normal. Persons like Einstein divide their time up and have a plan for each time of the day. Even if that plan is to sleep or take a nap a plan makes the time so much more manageable and when you think about it and work it out on paper. Not having enough time to do something is a ridiculous excuse.

The third key is to increase your standards. What was once acceptable is no more. There are a few tips to allow you to accomplish this by staying positive.

-Never go to bed mad, always resolve your issues that day.

-Never leave the house mad, You wouldn't want your last words to someone you love to be harsh. Or to the person you just met on the street.

-Never name call, it is the biggest sign of disrespect.

-Never end things on a bad note, stay positive.

-Forgive quickly, the longer you hold a grudge in your heart the more it brings you down.

-Never lie, this is harder to do than it is to write.

-Never say I don't have time, there are more hours in your life than you know what to do with.

-Never talk about what you don't want, talk about what you do want.

Every challenge is an opportunity in disguise. Often times our greatest times of growth are during particularly hard times in our lives because we are forced to grow. The most successful way to become successful and positive is to surround yourself with these people. It has been shown that people take on the attitudes and behaviors of those that they associate with. Hang out with negative people or people of immoral character and you will act this way. Surround yourself with positive honest people and you will begin to act that way as well. In effect you choose your attitude and character by who you are around. “Admit it you did it”

Growth is inevitable you cant stop it. It is wired into our DNA. God made things to grow. You can burn a place down and grass grows almost instantly. You can always find a tree grabbing a foot hold on the side of a cliff daring the wind and rain to rip it out. You find buildings overrun with weeds and trees after a few years. Nature grows always and so do we.

Sorry it was so long. Took a few days of putting my thoughts down. I usually don't draft something first I just write what I am feeling at the time, so this was a different experience for me.

Rascal Flatts

Baby look here at me, have you ever seen me this way?
I've been fumblin' for words through the tears and the hurt and the pain.
I'm gonna lay it all out on the line tonight,
and I think that it's time to tell this uphill fight goodbye.

Have you ever had to love someone that just don't feel the same?
Tryin' to make somebody care for you, the way i do,
is like trying to catch the rain.
And if love is really forever, I'm a winner at a losing game.

I know that baby you're tryin' to find me somewhere inside of you,
but you know you can't lie, girl you can't hide the truth.
Oh no,
sometimes two hearts just cant dance to the same beat,
so I'll pack up my things and I'll take what remains of me.

Tryin' to make somebody care for you, the way i do,
is like tryin' to catch the rain.
And if love is really forever, I'm a winner at a losing game.

Have you ever had to love someone that just don't feel the same?

I know that I'll never be the man that you need or love,
yeah baby,
its killin' me to stand here and see I'm not what you been dreamin' of,

Have you ever had to love someone that just don't feel the same?
Tryin' to make somebody care for you, the way i do,
is like tryin' to catch the rain.
And if love is really forever, I'm a winner at a losing game.
Oooooh if love is really forever, I'm a winner at a losing game.

ooh i'm tired of losing.
ooooooh ooooooooh ohooh
mmmmmmm

[Winner At A Losing Game lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

Heard this on the radio and it was totally how I felt at the time so I had to write down the name.

Regret

At the end of your life you wont regret the mistakes you made as much as the opportunities you miss.

QC

Which Questionable Content Character Are You?

You are Hannelore Ellicott-Chatham! You are a little bit creepy. You tend to be shy, so you don't know how to go about things in life. For example, don't stalk the boy you like before you meet him, or it could end up being a little scary. Chances are, you have severe obsessive-compulsive disorder. You should probably get more sleep and get out of the house more.

I am Hanna rofl.

Fake

I find myself shocked at how fake people can be. More how people can be fake and I see right through them and other people are blind to the facade. It maybe because I spend a lot of time observing people or maybe it is because I am so bitterly, "pure" I guess would be a word for it, that when someone I meet isn't It rubs me the wrong way. I am a respectful person and I don't press people against their will unless I feel very strongly about something. Like I have said I am a nice guy, too nice, I stand aside and give up without a fight I guess. Some things worth fighting for really aren't in the end. Better off to let fake people have what they want.

Stess

I have seen you at you best, I have held you at your worst

I have loved you all the while. This is my curse.

I could say a lot of things but I am too nice and too honest for my own good. I open my mouth and it just gets me more and more into trouble. Seems like I cant go a day without shooting myself in the foot. I have thought a lot about what to do with my life, some good, mostly bad. I cant bring myself to do anything bad because I know if something happens to me now that it would totally ruin things in your life, or at least I would like to think so. The good are all there and are lining themselves up for me. All my success and accomplishments feel tainted or missing something in some way. I guess I am just not myself. It is far harder to be sad and act happy than I thought

Passion

Passion, why passion? I have many passions in my life, all to varying degrees, but one of them is overpowering and circumvents all else. I cant turn it off or give it up. It just sits there churning, driving, leaving me feeling unfulfilled and dissatisfied. It is hard to sleep and eat because it is always there driving me to do something. Things I know I shouldn't do. Things that drive those closest to me away. Not evil, just illogical and sometimes immoral. Afterwards I think back and the things I have done to satisfy these urges make me sick to my stomach. It is a clever and crafty desire and it hides in waiting until my defenses are down before pouncing on my soul and making me into it's marionette. Why cant passions be like skittles. Little colorful things you can carry in your pockets and give the ones you don't like to your friends that do like them for a few that you like that they have and don't care for. It is too bad we cant choose the things we are passionate over for then Life in its entirety would be simpler.

jim

the marionette

Sabotage

So it seems I can't help but screw myself. I lack self control and the ability to accomplish a rational thought. I push her farther away and am aware of the consequences but cant stop my efforts. I sabotage myself at every turn and have no one to blame but myself or a reasoning behind my actions. What is wrong with me. Maybe this is for the best. I don't want to be a stalker, doing everything I can to make sure you are doing ok. I really do apologize :( just forget about me and keep doing what you are doing. I am sure it is all for the better.

Update

Where to start. Karyn now thinks I am totally batshit crazy and some super stalker because I looked up some guys number. She has moved to totally erase me from everything. She De-friended me on facebook, blocked me on aim, Even changed her phone number. What kinda messed up shit is that. I understand she needs her space but to threaten to call the cops on me if i try to talk to her again is pretty harsh.

I have lost my best friend. It is like she is dead and I just haven't realized it, but I guess she mights as well be for as much as she is going to talk to me.

not at all jim

Mistakes

We all do something sometimes that isnt right. It is best to confront those things as soon as possible. I told you what I did and asked you to make it so I couldn't anymore. I don't know why you are soo mad at me. So much that you would unfriend me and block me and everything even remove a link to your blog to mine. At least I was honest.
When you read this, If you read this. I am sorry I wouldn't have told you if I didn't want to be honest with you. I am sorry if you feel guilty or hurt just because I know his name. Please dont hate me. Unfortunately you are still my greatest friend and it hurts to think of how I must have hurt you. :(

Please rethink your decision to remove from your life.
not quite jim

Just thinking

So many people are realists. They live in the here and now, they let current events dictate their emotions and their feelings. They throw caution to the wind for who needs a future when the now is soo great. The drug users, binge drinkers, anyone who needs some material thing to make them satisfied. These people are usually pessimists and they have no vision or goal of where they want to be. I was one of these people. I stagnated because I was living in the now I was happy and saw no need to continue my conquest that is life. I have vision no future of my own to strive for.

I am changing, just in the last few days I have felt a new renewed sense of life. I have made sacrifices to help ensure that I don't stagnate and am able to keep moving forward. I have joined a company that is helping me start my own business that is all about helping people. What is more rewarding in life than helping people not to make the same mistakes that I made.

There have been some traumatic experiences in my life recently but these were the kick in the ass I needed to be motivated. I have heard that I have been like this before and it always ends up sputtering out. This is true, but this time will be different I have a game plan and written goals, and am well on the way in my own personal growth. I have a lot to say on personal growth and so will make another post soon about it.

One of the steps of personal growth is in your own standards. Things that were once acceptable to you are now not. In this specifically I have changed a lot. I have stopped playing WoW, ended my subscription, and unisntalled it. To think that I had wasted soo much of my life playing a game instead of working towards a goal in life is pretty depressing. Another thing that became unacceptable is cheating and in this my whole life got turned upside down. All the feelings that I felt for someone got really sour for a while. It was hard to cope with why I had been putting up with it for soooooo long and making excuses to myself. I am over that now, I dont feel the same about her as I used to, she is no longer on a pedestal able to do no wrong. She is once again human and not a goddess. This was hard after such a long time and the feelings still kick in every once in awhile but they are easier to control and go away alot faster.

I guess I said all that to say this. (like I usually do) Your future really does matter. Have a vision and a goal of where you want to be and that is where you will end up. A wise person once said "Everything you do with everything you got" that is the way it has to be if you truly want to be successful.

Karyn Thank You

~Jim

Liar

I am a liar. I have said many things over the past few days that are false and of more importance than anything else in my life. I told you I was ok with it and that I would make the best of things. I told you I felt that this was the best for us and that everything would be ok.

I am a liar. I still care for you. There is a cold void where my heart should be. I said everything I said to make things easier for you because I know you would feel bad if I took it so hard. I am a little girl and cant handle my emotions.

I am a liar. I believe that you will do well in this world. But I want with all of my heart and soul and pray every day that it is with me. I am a nice guy and I dont deserve this shit. After all we have been though it hurts so bad to think that you couldnt even talk to me face to face. I have cried myself to sleep for a week, and every day talked to you and acted like i was fine so that you could get through this easier and you didnt even have the respect for me to talk to me about it.

I am a liar. I have no interest in anyone else and it will take a very long time to even look for someone else let alone find someone that can fill this gaping hole. I hope that you are able to enjoy the rest of your life. But i feel that you will regret this decision one day.

As always
jim

Been awhile

Ok been a while so here goes.
Days go by
Through most of my life I have been a very passive and overt type of person. I sit and watch, take in alot and notice alot about the people that live in this world. I am very good at reading people and interact with them in a way I feel they would be comfortable with, when I finally decide to interact with them. Mostly I am the quiet one sitting or standing in the corner observing how others live and in this I was happy.
Days go by
Then one day I met someone that totally changed the way I looked at life. I was finally one of the people living my own life seeing others sitting and watching me. Having fun just standing around didnt seem like fun at all. It was wild, it was crazy, it was fun. Then it was over. The first time we broke up I would have to say was and still is the hardest and one of the most painful memories I have. I remember the way I felt sitting all alone on a bench in the snow. Not alone because no one was around me but alone because there was nothing inside me. There has always been a spark of fire I associate with the love I have felt. But once again I felt like I was sitting on the side watching everyone else live. After having tasted the fruit of the gods, no other such sustenance shall ever taste as sweet. I was spoiled rotten beyond anything I could have every thought possible.
Days go by and still I think of you
Then times changed as they have a habit of doing. I explored my new self and came to a middle ground within everything. I thought myself a stronger more rounded and energetic socially acceptable person and this along with the confidence I found from my first experience of love was like breaking the shackles on my wrists. I was free and the world was mine to explore and nothing could hold me back. I volunteered to go into the army, see the world and get a great experience along with that. I have always viewed myself as a protector, a knight in shining armor, a defender of the weak and innocent, and this was what my heart was calling for. Shortly before I left for the army I was once again in a relationship and this was once again a fuel to my inner fire. I was ten feet tall and bulletproof. I was one of the most cocky self arrogant people you would ever meet. I wasn't mean or rubbing it in your face but I felt like there was nothing I couldn't do. This went fine and we had a long distance relationship for awhile and then we both kinda drifted apart. Me because I had so much to do and was so busy every second of my time was used up. Her because she was also busy and was growing up and had many new and exciting things in her own life. This break up was one of the most bearable. It still hurt but I was able to push it to the back of my mind. We still talked if only occasionally and were always pleasant. But to me it had never happened I put a block on ever thinking we were apart. I guess it kinda worked because we were still really close and I didnt do anything to drive her away.
Days go by
Then there was college and we were living so close now. Was intoxicating to be so absorbed by each other and to live around and with someone you felt so strongly for. I became content this had been my goal all along and so I began to stagnate. I became less outgoing and more introverted with all things not about me or her. I am very unstable I guess and needed someone to lean on. Once I was able to do so I started to cut out my own supports. I was asked politely not to return to RIT and this almost made us break up again. If I were to count the number of times that ring has been put back into my hand it would be a very depressing number. I am a very stubborn person and as I mentioned am pretty good at reading people. I knew at the time that it wasnt final she still felt too much for me.
Days go by
This time was different there was no sudden explosion of anger, or cold calm words of disappointment, just a void of all feeling when I read the words. Yes "read" after 7 and a half years together I had to read about the breaking of our engagement. I cant really say I was surprised in the least. I could feel it coming slowly creeping up for the last month or so. Feeling helpless as to its cause or cure. I went to talk about it, Like she knew I would, like I always do. But when I met her face to face I knew this time it was done this time it was different. I had messed up with so many things and now this. I acknowledge that it was my irresponsibility which was the greatest contributor to our failing. I owe you soo much and you never so much as batted an eyelash at it. You counted on me and I failed you and let you down. What sort of protector am I that I cant even honor my own words. Now I am alone again. That small smoldering hole in my chest is cold again. I am forced into action, if only to prove to myself that I am truly alive and not a shell forced to observe the lives of others. I am always at my most productive in these stages because I have so much time and am so anxious to work so that I have nothing else to think about.
Days go by when I couldn't Live my life without you
Without you
Without you
When you read this. If you read this. If you get this far I appreciate it. I have never had any regrets about our time together only the moments apart and the causes of such times. You are one of my best friends and someone I know I will always be able to talk to. I hope that things between us will not be awkward or tense because I really do value your advice and respect your ideas. You are a great girl and will make someone very happy someday. With all the feelings I have for you I hope and pray that you are able to make the choices that take you to where you want to be wherever such a place should be. You are intelligent and hard working and very stubborn, though not so much as me, and this will take you far and high in what ever you choose to do. I respect you and value your friendship.

as always
Jim

College

So someone told me I should post a blog about how I feel about college.

College the way it is set up now is soo out of date it is ridiculous. In a field of study you might take half of your classes because they are required and are of no interest to you or to your career goals. They might not even be related to your field of study in any way. To make this worse you even have to pay for the "worthless" courses. I say the classes "worthless" because they are something you have no desire to learn or care anything about so you learn and then brain dump everything after the quarter. This in an antiquated system and is so ingrained into the education system. I ask you, does an electrical engineer really need to know the basics of psychology, or how much a Van Gogh sold for 50 years ago. I really seriously doubt it unless they want to be a contestant on Jeopardy.
And then I love how they teach you one thing over and over for a quarter and then next class you have a different professor and he has a totally different system. Better yet is when you learn something and are forced to not use a calculator or reference for some difficult problem, where in the real world you would just use your computer or any program designed to do that and be done with it, but you don't know that system because you have been doing it by hand the whole time. An example I will use from Karyn. She took a web design class and learned how to write html coding and was required to do all the coding by hand. Next design class she took required here to use Dreamweaver and expected her to know about it from the first design class.
Some changes need to be made and I have a few suggestions. First get rid of required classes that are not in your field. I suggest having a set layout of required classes and then slots of electives where you can take any class you want as long as you meet the prerequisites. This would allow students to pick classes that they are interested in. Instead of being forces to choose between Fine Arts appreciation and Intro to psychology I could have chosen a basic coding or a class I had interest in and would probably had a much better time and gotten better grades.
Secondly Standardize within a field what must be taught in each class. That way when you do from design 1 to design 2 you don't need to relearn a completely different program. this would help the students and relieve a lot of stress. Also try not to require them to use a old outdated program if there is a better one out there and they have it let them use it. Don't change what is taught in the class but don't force people to use an abacus when they have a calculator in their backpack. There are many many changes that need to happen but as long as the money is being made (at increasingly alarming rates) the colleges will continue to do as they are.

Well that is all for today maybe I will right about how I feel about undergrads teaching the class while the real professor is out doing research to get published, or about the outrageous costs of college, or maybe even politics (oh joy) another time.