Ok been a while so here goes.
Days go by
Through most of my life I have been a very passive and overt type of person. I sit and watch, take in alot and notice alot about the people that live in this world. I am very good at reading people and interact with them in a way I feel they would be comfortable with, when I finally decide to interact with them. Mostly I am the quiet one sitting or standing in the corner observing how others live and in this I was happy.
Days go by
Then one day I met someone that totally changed the way I looked at life. I was finally one of the people living my own life seeing others sitting and watching me. Having fun just standing around didnt seem like fun at all. It was wild, it was crazy, it was fun. Then it was over. The first time we broke up I would have to say was and still is the hardest and one of the most painful memories I have. I remember the way I felt sitting all alone on a bench in the snow. Not alone because no one was around me but alone because there was nothing inside me. There has always been a spark of fire I associate with the love I have felt. But once again I felt like I was sitting on the side watching everyone else live. After having tasted the fruit of the gods, no other such sustenance shall ever taste as sweet. I was spoiled rotten beyond anything I could have every thought possible.
Days go by and still I think of you
Then times changed as they have a habit of doing. I explored my new self and came to a middle ground within everything. I thought myself a stronger more rounded and energetic socially acceptable person and this along with the confidence I found from my first experience of love was like breaking the shackles on my wrists. I was free and the world was mine to explore and nothing could hold me back. I volunteered to go into the army, see the world and get a great experience along with that. I have always viewed myself as a protector, a knight in shining armor, a defender of the weak and innocent, and this was what my heart was calling for. Shortly before I left for the army I was once again in a relationship and this was once again a fuel to my inner fire. I was ten feet tall and bulletproof. I was one of the most cocky self arrogant people you would ever meet. I wasn't mean or rubbing it in your face but I felt like there was nothing I couldn't do. This went fine and we had a long distance relationship for awhile and then we both kinda drifted apart. Me because I had so much to do and was so busy every second of my time was used up. Her because she was also busy and was growing up and had many new and exciting things in her own life. This break up was one of the most bearable. It still hurt but I was able to push it to the back of my mind. We still talked if only occasionally and were always pleasant. But to me it had never happened I put a block on ever thinking we were apart. I guess it kinda worked because we were still really close and I didnt do anything to drive her away.
Days go by
Then there was college and we were living so close now. Was intoxicating to be so absorbed by each other and to live around and with someone you felt so strongly for. I became content this had been my goal all along and so I began to stagnate. I became less outgoing and more introverted with all things not about me or her. I am very unstable I guess and needed someone to lean on. Once I was able to do so I started to cut out my own supports. I was asked politely not to return to RIT and this almost made us break up again. If I were to count the number of times that ring has been put back into my hand it would be a very depressing number. I am a very stubborn person and as I mentioned am pretty good at reading people. I knew at the time that it wasnt final she still felt too much for me.
Days go by
This time was different there was no sudden explosion of anger, or cold calm words of disappointment, just a void of all feeling when I read the words. Yes "read" after 7 and a half years together I had to read about the breaking of our engagement. I cant really say I was surprised in the least. I could feel it coming slowly creeping up for the last month or so. Feeling helpless as to its cause or cure. I went to talk about it, Like she knew I would, like I always do. But when I met her face to face I knew this time it was done this time it was different. I had messed up with so many things and now this. I acknowledge that it was my irresponsibility which was the greatest contributor to our failing. I owe you soo much and you never so much as batted an eyelash at it. You counted on me and I failed you and let you down. What sort of protector am I that I cant even honor my own words. Now I am alone again. That small smoldering hole in my chest is cold again. I am forced into action, if only to prove to myself that I am truly alive and not a shell forced to observe the lives of others. I am always at my most productive in these stages because I have so much time and am so anxious to work so that I have nothing else to think about.
Days go by when I couldn't Live my life without you
Without you
Without you
When you read this. If you read this. If you get this far I appreciate it. I have never had any regrets about our time together only the moments apart and the causes of such times. You are one of my best friends and someone I know I will always be able to talk to. I hope that things between us will not be awkward or tense because I really do value your advice and respect your ideas. You are a great girl and will make someone very happy someday. With all the feelings I have for you I hope and pray that you are able to make the choices that take you to where you want to be wherever such a place should be. You are intelligent and hard working and very stubborn, though not so much as me, and this will take you far and high in what ever you choose to do. I respect you and value your friendship.
as always
Jim
