Sabotage

So it seems I can't help but screw myself. I lack self control and the ability to accomplish a rational thought. I push her farther away and am aware of the consequences but cant stop my efforts. I sabotage myself at every turn and have no one to blame but myself or a reasoning behind my actions. What is wrong with me. Maybe this is for the best. I don't want to be a stalker, doing everything I can to make sure you are doing ok. I really do apologize :( just forget about me and keep doing what you are doing. I am sure it is all for the better.

Update

Where to start. Karyn now thinks I am totally batshit crazy and some super stalker because I looked up some guys number. She has moved to totally erase me from everything. She De-friended me on facebook, blocked me on aim, Even changed her phone number. What kinda messed up shit is that. I understand she needs her space but to threaten to call the cops on me if i try to talk to her again is pretty harsh.

I have lost my best friend. It is like she is dead and I just haven't realized it, but I guess she mights as well be for as much as she is going to talk to me.

not at all jim

Mistakes

We all do something sometimes that isnt right. It is best to confront those things as soon as possible. I told you what I did and asked you to make it so I couldn't anymore. I don't know why you are soo mad at me. So much that you would unfriend me and block me and everything even remove a link to your blog to mine. At least I was honest.
When you read this, If you read this. I am sorry I wouldn't have told you if I didn't want to be honest with you. I am sorry if you feel guilty or hurt just because I know his name. Please dont hate me. Unfortunately you are still my greatest friend and it hurts to think of how I must have hurt you. :(

Please rethink your decision to remove from your life.
not quite jim

Just thinking

So many people are realists. They live in the here and now, they let current events dictate their emotions and their feelings. They throw caution to the wind for who needs a future when the now is soo great. The drug users, binge drinkers, anyone who needs some material thing to make them satisfied. These people are usually pessimists and they have no vision or goal of where they want to be. I was one of these people. I stagnated because I was living in the now I was happy and saw no need to continue my conquest that is life. I have vision no future of my own to strive for.

I am changing, just in the last few days I have felt a new renewed sense of life. I have made sacrifices to help ensure that I don't stagnate and am able to keep moving forward. I have joined a company that is helping me start my own business that is all about helping people. What is more rewarding in life than helping people not to make the same mistakes that I made.

There have been some traumatic experiences in my life recently but these were the kick in the ass I needed to be motivated. I have heard that I have been like this before and it always ends up sputtering out. This is true, but this time will be different I have a game plan and written goals, and am well on the way in my own personal growth. I have a lot to say on personal growth and so will make another post soon about it.

One of the steps of personal growth is in your own standards. Things that were once acceptable to you are now not. In this specifically I have changed a lot. I have stopped playing WoW, ended my subscription, and unisntalled it. To think that I had wasted soo much of my life playing a game instead of working towards a goal in life is pretty depressing. Another thing that became unacceptable is cheating and in this my whole life got turned upside down. All the feelings that I felt for someone got really sour for a while. It was hard to cope with why I had been putting up with it for soooooo long and making excuses to myself. I am over that now, I dont feel the same about her as I used to, she is no longer on a pedestal able to do no wrong. She is once again human and not a goddess. This was hard after such a long time and the feelings still kick in every once in awhile but they are easier to control and go away alot faster.

I guess I said all that to say this. (like I usually do) Your future really does matter. Have a vision and a goal of where you want to be and that is where you will end up. A wise person once said "Everything you do with everything you got" that is the way it has to be if you truly want to be successful.

Karyn Thank You

~Jim

Liar

I am a liar. I have said many things over the past few days that are false and of more importance than anything else in my life. I told you I was ok with it and that I would make the best of things. I told you I felt that this was the best for us and that everything would be ok.

I am a liar. I still care for you. There is a cold void where my heart should be. I said everything I said to make things easier for you because I know you would feel bad if I took it so hard. I am a little girl and cant handle my emotions.

I am a liar. I believe that you will do well in this world. But I want with all of my heart and soul and pray every day that it is with me. I am a nice guy and I dont deserve this shit. After all we have been though it hurts so bad to think that you couldnt even talk to me face to face. I have cried myself to sleep for a week, and every day talked to you and acted like i was fine so that you could get through this easier and you didnt even have the respect for me to talk to me about it.

I am a liar. I have no interest in anyone else and it will take a very long time to even look for someone else let alone find someone that can fill this gaping hole. I hope that you are able to enjoy the rest of your life. But i feel that you will regret this decision one day.

As always
jim

Been awhile

Ok been a while so here goes.
Days go by
Through most of my life I have been a very passive and overt type of person. I sit and watch, take in alot and notice alot about the people that live in this world. I am very good at reading people and interact with them in a way I feel they would be comfortable with, when I finally decide to interact with them. Mostly I am the quiet one sitting or standing in the corner observing how others live and in this I was happy.
Days go by
Then one day I met someone that totally changed the way I looked at life. I was finally one of the people living my own life seeing others sitting and watching me. Having fun just standing around didnt seem like fun at all. It was wild, it was crazy, it was fun. Then it was over. The first time we broke up I would have to say was and still is the hardest and one of the most painful memories I have. I remember the way I felt sitting all alone on a bench in the snow. Not alone because no one was around me but alone because there was nothing inside me. There has always been a spark of fire I associate with the love I have felt. But once again I felt like I was sitting on the side watching everyone else live. After having tasted the fruit of the gods, no other such sustenance shall ever taste as sweet. I was spoiled rotten beyond anything I could have every thought possible.
Days go by and still I think of you
Then times changed as they have a habit of doing. I explored my new self and came to a middle ground within everything. I thought myself a stronger more rounded and energetic socially acceptable person and this along with the confidence I found from my first experience of love was like breaking the shackles on my wrists. I was free and the world was mine to explore and nothing could hold me back. I volunteered to go into the army, see the world and get a great experience along with that. I have always viewed myself as a protector, a knight in shining armor, a defender of the weak and innocent, and this was what my heart was calling for. Shortly before I left for the army I was once again in a relationship and this was once again a fuel to my inner fire. I was ten feet tall and bulletproof. I was one of the most cocky self arrogant people you would ever meet. I wasn't mean or rubbing it in your face but I felt like there was nothing I couldn't do. This went fine and we had a long distance relationship for awhile and then we both kinda drifted apart. Me because I had so much to do and was so busy every second of my time was used up. Her because she was also busy and was growing up and had many new and exciting things in her own life. This break up was one of the most bearable. It still hurt but I was able to push it to the back of my mind. We still talked if only occasionally and were always pleasant. But to me it had never happened I put a block on ever thinking we were apart. I guess it kinda worked because we were still really close and I didnt do anything to drive her away.
Days go by
Then there was college and we were living so close now. Was intoxicating to be so absorbed by each other and to live around and with someone you felt so strongly for. I became content this had been my goal all along and so I began to stagnate. I became less outgoing and more introverted with all things not about me or her. I am very unstable I guess and needed someone to lean on. Once I was able to do so I started to cut out my own supports. I was asked politely not to return to RIT and this almost made us break up again. If I were to count the number of times that ring has been put back into my hand it would be a very depressing number. I am a very stubborn person and as I mentioned am pretty good at reading people. I knew at the time that it wasnt final she still felt too much for me.
Days go by
This time was different there was no sudden explosion of anger, or cold calm words of disappointment, just a void of all feeling when I read the words. Yes "read" after 7 and a half years together I had to read about the breaking of our engagement. I cant really say I was surprised in the least. I could feel it coming slowly creeping up for the last month or so. Feeling helpless as to its cause or cure. I went to talk about it, Like she knew I would, like I always do. But when I met her face to face I knew this time it was done this time it was different. I had messed up with so many things and now this. I acknowledge that it was my irresponsibility which was the greatest contributor to our failing. I owe you soo much and you never so much as batted an eyelash at it. You counted on me and I failed you and let you down. What sort of protector am I that I cant even honor my own words. Now I am alone again. That small smoldering hole in my chest is cold again. I am forced into action, if only to prove to myself that I am truly alive and not a shell forced to observe the lives of others. I am always at my most productive in these stages because I have so much time and am so anxious to work so that I have nothing else to think about.
Days go by when I couldn't Live my life without you
Without you
Without you
When you read this. If you read this. If you get this far I appreciate it. I have never had any regrets about our time together only the moments apart and the causes of such times. You are one of my best friends and someone I know I will always be able to talk to. I hope that things between us will not be awkward or tense because I really do value your advice and respect your ideas. You are a great girl and will make someone very happy someday. With all the feelings I have for you I hope and pray that you are able to make the choices that take you to where you want to be wherever such a place should be. You are intelligent and hard working and very stubborn, though not so much as me, and this will take you far and high in what ever you choose to do. I respect you and value your friendship.

as always
Jim